words with my father

2011-11-17T11:33:00.000-08:00

Everyone is gathered in Kerstyns kitchen. She has just made 4 cups of tea. Mike comes in and spies the drinks.

Mike: Ahh is this one for me?

He leaves the room and Will, Isamaya's boyfriend enters the kitchen. He goes over and takes one of the four cups.

Mike comes back in and walks over to the 3 cups.

Mike: Where's my tea?
He peers round at Will who is sipping the tea.
Mike: Ah. I see you've taken it. Just as I expected.
Will: So sorry Mike, didn't realise it was yours. There are 3 more teas over there.
Mike: Yes Will - but none of those are mine.

Later everyone is out at a bar. Will has just bought a beer for himself and sits down next to Isamaya.
Without hesitation, Mike leans over, stares at Will deadpan and downs Wills pint.

2011-11-17T11:21:00.000-08:00

Isamaya is on holiday. She receives an urgent email from Mike.

Subject: Strange Strings

''Can u identify some nylon strings in a card in the bathroom? They are each about a foot long and have nylon fishing line at each end with a central fluffy bit about as thick as a matchstick, but very soft. Were they for cleaning with a brace or something similar? There's no name on them.''

2011-11-17T11:11:00.001-08:00

Isamaya receives an email from Mike.

Mike:
There's a few interesting ones here.

http://www.well.com/~mick/insomnia/

A major part of falling asleep seems to about switching off the internal chatter, at least about things including work that are bothering you. Have a look at Quiet Ears - I might try that myself sometime. The warm milk thing is interesting. In the past the use of milk based bedtime drinks for this purpose was very normal - horlicks, ovaltine etc.

xxx

2011-11-17T10:30:00.000-08:00

Isamaya is trying to cross a very busy junction in London. She gets a call from Mike.

Isamaya: Hey Dad, can I call you back in 2 mins, just in the middle of a dangerous road.
Mike: If you must.

A minute later Isamaya calls back.

Isamaya: Hey dad!
Mike: Yes?
Isamaya: You called?
Mike: I did.

2010-12-17T14:20:00.000-08:00

Isamaya: hey dad how are you

13:57 Mike: just my usual self, peering from a sea of troubles..

13:58 & u?

2010-12-17T14:11:00.000-08:00

Isamaya comes online to see mike is logged on.

11:50 Isamaya: u ok dad?

was gonna call you yesterday

Mike: mostly

11:51 Isamaya: thats not 100 percent

so thats not good

whats up

Mike: I'm smiling..

Isamaya: good

We've got mice..

11:52 Mike: struggling with the web stuff - but it's taking shape.

got a broken tooth - but it's sealed, so not so bad

11:53 Jame's friend Claire is coming climbing with us

Isamaya: cool

11:54 i haven't been a few weeks cos of my knee

Mike: don't tell me!!What have you done?

Isamaya: um...

11:55 had a bit of an issue with a van last week

11:56 Mike: last week is not a few weeks, do you mean you're not able for a few weeks?

Isamaya: no

its fine

just got slammed and landed on my kneecap and elbow

11:57 luckily, it was such a bloody cold day

i couldt walk so i just got back on my bike

and started riding

and it brought down the swelling

and its ok now

twinges

a bit

11:58 Mike: my knees often twinge - but i'm a bit older

Isamaya: no but this was cos of the accident

Mike: up stairs is worst

11:59 Isamaya: yeh

2010-12-17T00:27:00.000-08:00

Isamaya is in the kitchen trying to make some lunch. She is looking around in the cupboard with canned items and pasta etc.

Mike walks in and leans against the door frame observing her.

Mike: Lost something?

Isamaya: No, just looking for something for lunch.

Mike: Well, can you stop scrabbling around, because I had organised all of that.

Isamaya: ?

Isamaya: Have you come in here to watch me?

Mike: Oh don't be so ridiculous.

Isamaya: Then what are you doing hovering around like that?

Mike: Minding my own business, what are you doing?

Isamaya: Look, can I throw this can of popcorn away because its out of date.

Mike: No, and what do you deem as out of date?

Isamaya: Its best before date was 3 years before I was born?

Mike: And?

Isamaya: It went out of date in 1985 Dad.

Mike: The Titanic sank in 1912 but they found cans on the ship a few years ago and the food was still edible.

Mike: Are there any signs of contamination.

Isamaya: No, but its covered in dust and the can is going rusty.

Isamaya: I'm throwing it away.

Mike: You have no right throwing away my things.

Isamaya: Are you serious?! look, can you just stop sanding there, watching over me please!

Mike: Just mind your own business Isamaya, I'm waiting for you to move so I can make some popcorn.

2010-12-15T15:06:00.000-08:00

Isamaya's phone has stopped working and she has arranged to meet a friend in 20 minutes. She logs onto her email to find Mike is online. She sends him an email asking him to send a text to her friend to let her know where she will meet her and at what time.

14:15me: did you get my email

14:16 Mike: just saw it

can't you log on?

me: no

Mike: why not?

me: dunno

14:17 Mike: have you ever logged on?

me: don' tknow why it's not working

Mike: have you ever logged on?

me: yeh

mate!

14:18 why is it charging me so much!

14:19 Mike: there's a bill here - maybe the last one - are you ok with me opening it?

me: you have already opened it.

14:20 if I send you a message, can you text someone for me

it's a french number

and I can't text off my phone now

would you mind

Mike: this is dated jul 2nd

it has 26 pages

14:21 me: please send this: mon telephone ne fonctionne pas bien.
mon bureau est sur la route. Je vais vous répondre à 5 @ 60 Great Eastern Street - Il est dans le coin? txt mon mobile
BISOUXX

(that was the message)

14:22 the number is +3368834272

14:23 is that ok

Mike: I think you've been scammed

14:24

telephone 3 and make sure you have all the details written down and ready

14:25 they have a legal department who should be able to help

presumably you sent the text back?

14:28 me: which text

which text

i'm trying to meet a friend at 5 dad

14:29 and i cannot send them a text

becausemy phone bill is so high

i'ts not letting me make calls or msgs

14:31 please can you send that message to them Mike insists that Isamaya logs onto her phone account to try and rectify the problem. She does and then goes back to chat to Mike.

20 minutes

5 minutes

14:58 me: did u send that message

Mike: not yet

14:59 your last 3 bills are £330. You need to take yourself into a quiet corner and have a LOUD word with yourself

I'm sending you the bills

the last bill remains unpaid.

15:00 me: I just don't understand

how i can have gone over the call timeI really need to send that message.. ae you going to do it or shall I ask someone else?

Mike: If it has been refused by the bank there will be charges for that too

15:02 er......maybe you do..

15:03 me: what

don't b arsy

i'm screwing up

cos it means i have NO money in my bank?!

Mike: there's also a fair usage policy on txts i think so maybe that takes u over

me: I have rent to pay

15:05 Im going to have to go to the bank and ask for an overdraft

Mike: maybe you need to come down to earth a bit - start by checking all your accounts and seeing exactly where you stand

15:06 i've tried very hard to get u to do a cash flo forecast - i'm not aware that you've ever done one

15:07 i'll help you, but i can only do that if you want to help yourself

me: ok yes i need help

but PLEASE can you send the text

or I wont be able to meet my friend from paris

13 minutes

15:21 me: is it sent dad

6 minutes

15:27 Mike: calm down - yes just

15:28 me: THANK YOU

xxx

6 minutes

15:35 Mike: fyi

"Gros bisous" if you write to family (mainly if youre a child). "Je t'embrasse" in every case. You can also add : "Je t'embrasse bien fort" :)

2010-12-15T14:39:00.000-08:00

Isamaya receives an email from Mike entitled 'Brain Exercises'

Brain exercises

''Memory, like muscular strength, is a “use it or lose it” proposition. The more you work out your brain, the better you’ll be able to process and remember information.
Novelty and sensory stimulation are the foundation of brain exercise. If you break your routine in a challenging way, you’re using brain pathways you weren’t using before. This can involve something as simple as brushing your teeth with your nondominant hand, which activates little-used connections on the nondominant side of your brain. Or try a “neurobic” exercise – an aerobic exercise for your brain – (seeKeep Your Brain Alive Exercise) that forces you to use your faculties in unusual ways, like showering and getting dressed with your eyes closed. Take a course in a subject you don’t know much about, learn a new game of strategy, or cook up some recipes in an unfamiliar cuisine. That’s the most effective way to keep your synapses firing.''

Mike: That was just an excerpt. I expect you to follow the link.

2010-12-15T14:33:00.000-08:00

Isamaya receives an email from Mike, entitled 'Serious Stuff'.
The email goes on to read:

On 25 November 2010 23:57, Mike wrote:

New updated COLOUR version here:

http://www.equipped.com/FM3-05.70SURVIVALMANUAL.pdf

Dad
x

2010-12-01T00:32:00.000-08:00

It is Kerstyns birthday. Everyone is throwing her a surprise party at the All Star Bowling Lanes.
In order for the surprise to work, everyone has to be at the Lanes at 2.50pm so when she arrives at 3pm, they can all shout happy birthday.

It is 2:55 and Mike arrives at Kerstyns house an hour late.
Everyone has their Jackets on and is ready to leave for bowling.

Ian comes into the kitchen to find find Mike squatting on a child's stool next to the oven, grilling bread.

Ian: We need to go
Mike: I'm just having my breakfast.
Ian: It's almost 3pm
Mike: Yes, breakfastime.

2010-10-05T10:34:00.000-07:00

Isamaya receives an email from Mike with a link,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8DntSjpgRPo&feature=player_embedded

Mike: I expect you are already aware of these codes.

2010-10-05T10:27:00.000-07:00

After having a long telephone conversation with Mike about his and Angela's weekend, Isamaya decides it is time to hang up.

Isamaya: Well, sounds like you've had fun, I better go, as I'm still waiting to get on the tube and there really isn't any signal down there.
Mike: Always an excuse.
Isamaya: Probably. OK, see you later.
Mike: Oh one more thing
Isamaya: Yes?
Mike: (pauses) What was it?
Isamaya: What?
Mike: Oh I'm trying to remember now, hang on.. let me just try and remember.
Isamaya: I have to go, sorry.
Mike: Hang on, It'll come to me
Isamaya: Bye.
Mike: ...

Isamaya puts the phone down and gets on the tube.
When she arrives at home 2 hours later, her phone starts ringing. It is Mike.

Isamaya: Hello?
Mike: We drove through Arundel.
Isamaya: What?
Mike: We drove through Arundel.
Isamaya: (whispering) Is this code?
Mike: No it's what I was trying to remember.

Isamaya puts the phone down.

2010-04-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

Isamaya is standing in the kitchen pouring some tea.
Mike runs in, a light sweat on his forehead.

Mike: You don't know where this has come from do you?
Isamaya: What is it?

Mike holds up a screw

Isamaya: No
Mike: No. Neither do I. I've been looking at it all day, there is something strange about it.
Aaahh.. Its got a reverse screw thread.

2009-08-26T14:32:00.000-07:00

Isamaya and Mike are on the phone talking about finance. They have been talking for 20 minutes

Mike: .. So you need to make sure the ball's in your court. You need to find out if you are getting the deposit back and if someone can confirm this.
Isamaya: Yeh ok. Just to warn you, my phone is beeping from low battery, so it might cut out any second..
Mike: Isamaya! There's Always an excuse!
Isamaya: Sorry?
Mike: When we talk about finance.
Isamaya: Dad? my phones about to turn off, i'm just warning you.
Mike: No- There's always something
Isamaya: Well this time it's the battery.
Mike: This is a serious conversation Isamaya. We need to talk about this.
Isamaya: Well, we can't if my phone dies. I can't help it if it goes dead.
Mike: Isamaya! Always an explanation.
Isamaya: You are just wasting battery time with this argument.
Mike: I'm not ARGUING with you!
Isamaya: 3 seconds
Mike: Stop being ridiculous
Isamaya: 2 seconds
Mike: Oh for gods sake
Isamaya: 1 second.
Mike: Isa-

Beeeeeeeeeeep.

2009-06-01T04:05:00.001-07:00

It's Isamaya's 9th birthday.
She has just opened some presents from her mum. A pair of pyjamas, a Jacqueline Wilson book and a new hairbrush.
She walks into the living room to find Mike desperately scrabbling around.

Mike: Get out! I'm wrapping your present.

Isamaya walks back into the kitchen.
Mike comes in beaming and hands her a box.
He nods knowingly.

Mike: Just say 'thank you dad'

Isamaya opens the present. It's a digital multimeter.

2009-04-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

Mike: Do you fancy taking Rhoda for a walk?
Isamaya: Yeh, sure. Where?
Mike: Round the park?
Isamaya: Which park?
Mike: The park at the end of the road.
Isamaya: You mean the cemetery?
Mike: Yes. The body park.

2009-04-15T06:46:00.000-07:00

Mike: Don't assume.
It makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'

2009-04-07T03:49:00.001-07:00

Isamaya, Angela and Mike are having dinner with some neighbours.
After much procrastination, they all sit down to eat.

Mike: Oh bugger. I didn't bring over the mustard.
Isabel: Don't worry Mike. We don't need the mustard.
Mike: Of course we do! We're eating sausage.
Isabel: I've got mustard- would you like some of that?
Mike: No? I spent ages making a fresh batch last night. It's really good stuff.
Isabel: Fresh mustard! wow. well you must get it then.

Mike goes across the road to fetch the mustard. When he comes back, he plunks it down on the table.

Isabel: Such a yellow colour. How did you make it? Did you buy the mustard seeds.
Mike: No it's Colemans mustard powder. You just add water.

2009-03-31T04:32:00.001-07:00

Mike and Isamaya are walking the dog. Isamaya sees a 20p on the pavement and picks it up.
Mike: You don't want to start picking things up Isamaya, it's a bad habit.

5 minutes later Mike spots a glove clip and picks it up.
Mike: Aah brilliant. Just what i've been looking for.

2009-03-28T16:56:00.000-07:00

Ellie has come round to go jogging with Isamaya. She knocks at the door and Mike answers. She is wearing short shorts.

Mike: (calls to Isamaya) Legs has arrived.

2009-02-17T11:06:00.000-08:00

Mike and Isamaya are talking about the ski holiday they are about to embark on.

Isamaya: I'd really like to try cross country skiing this year.
Mike: You mean Langlauf.
Isamaya: Er. No I mean cross country skiing.
Mike: Yes but it's called Langlauf.
Isamaya: In what country.
Mike: In all countries.
Isamaya: Sooo... Whats downhill skiing called?
Mike: Skiing.
Isamaya: So why don't you call Cross country, Cross country?
Mike: I'm sorry, don't know what that word means.

2009-02-02T01:29:00.000-08:00

Isamaya has come home and is looking through a load of junk in the front room. She comes across her old BMX stunt bike she got when she was 10.
She tries to wheel it outside when she is confronted by Mike.

Mike: What do you think you're doing?
Isamaya: Look what I found!
Mike: You didn't find it. I've been guarding it.
Isamaya: Oh right. thanks. Well, I'm going to sell it, i recon i could get at least a hundred for it.
Mike: No you're not.
Isamaya: What?
Mike: You cant just take other peoples property and pawn it.
Isamaya: Er.. But it's my bike?
Mike: Who gave it to you.
Isamaya: You as a birthday present,
Mike: Quite.

Isamaya thinks about this.

Isamaya: So... What are you going to do with it?
Mike: I might like to ride it.

2009-01-31T05:19:00.000-08:00

Isamaya and Angela are having a cup of tea in town.
Isamaya rings Eloise.

Isamaya: Hi, how are you?
Eloise: Oh hi! I'm actually at your house right now.
Isamaya: Really? I'm just having a cup of tea with mum in town- we wondered if you wanted to join us cos we'll be here for around an hour and a half..
Eloise: Well, Mikes just given me a cup of tea and wants to show me some things on his computer so.. I think I'll just have this and then go home cos I've got lots of work to do.

Isamaya and Angela stay for another three hours in town before heading home. As they turn into Mill Road, Isamaya sees Eloise cycling towards them.

Isamaya: Hi? what are you doing here. Have you just had a piano lesson up the road?
Eloise: No. I've just come from yours.
Isamaya: I thought you were going home 3 hours ago?
Eloise: Well, Mike wanted to have a look at my mobile. And he was kind enough to give me a tutorial on how to use it.
Isamaya: But you've had your phone for over 6 months?
Eloise: I know but he wanted to give me a printout of its manual and go through the spec.

Eloise pulls out a bulky A4 envelope.

When Isamaya and Angela get home, Isamaya finds Mike on the computer.

Isamaya: SO... Did you have a nice chat with Eloise?
Mike: Yes. She wanted me to have a look at her phone.
Isamaya: I see. How long was she here for?
Mike: I don't know. 15, 20 minutes or so?

2009-01-27T12:05:00.000-08:00

Isamaya is standing in the kitchen buttering some bread.

Isamaya: Mum, thank you so much for buying salted butter!
Angela: What do you mean? I always do.
Isamaya: Yeh, but Kerstyn buys unsalted and it's really irritating.
Angela: Oh?
Mike: Yes Ange. Kerstyn has the same hang ups about salt as Isamaya does about fat.

2009-01-22T13:26:00.000-08:00

Isamaya receives an email from Mike.

27/08/2008
From: Mike
Subject: Some light reading for you.

/ .- .-.. .-.. / -.-. .... .- -. --. . / .... . .-. . / -- ..- -- / - --- / -... .. .-. -- .. -. --. .... .- -- / - --- -. .. --. .... - / .- -. -.. / -.- . .-. ... - / .- -. -.. / ... .--. .-. --- --. ... / .... . .-. . / - .... . / --- -. . / - .... .. -. --. / .. / -. . ...- . .-. / .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / ... --- .-. - . -.. / .-- .- ... / -. ..- -- -... . .-. ... / .. ...- . / --. --- - / .- / -- --- .-. ... . / .- ..- -.. .. --- / - .-. .- .. -. . .-. / ... --- -- . .-- .... . .-. . / .. .-.. .-.. / .... .- ...- . / .- / .-.. --- --- -.- / .-.. .- - . .-. / .- .-.. .-.. / -.-. .... .- -. --. . / .... . .-. . / -- ..- -- / - --- / -... .. .-. -- .. -. --. .... .- -- / - --- -. .. --. .... - / .- -. -.. / -.- . .-. ... - / .- -. -.. / ... .--. .-. --- --. ... / .... . .-. . / - .... . / --- -. . / - .... .. -. --. / .. / -. . ...- . .-. / .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / ... --- .-. - . -.. / .-- .- ... / -. ..- -- -... . .-. ... / .. ...- . / --. --- - / .- / -- --- .-. ... . / .- ..- -.. .. --- / - .-. .- .. -. . .-. / ... --- -- . .-- .... . .-. . / .. .-.. .-.. / .... .- ...- . / .- / .-.. --- --- -.- / .-.. .- - . .-. /

2009-01-12T11:33:00.000-08:00

It is valentines day and Kerstyn has received a letter.
She takes it upstairs to open it.

Inside is a valentines card with a question mark and a pair of dice. On one dice, numbers are replaced by body parts such as neck, lips, back etc. On the other dice, numbers are replaced by actions such as lick, smell, kiss etc.
Where the dice reads 'sex' it has been crossed out and replaced by 'maths'.

2009-01-12T11:28:00.000-08:00

Mike answers the door and it is Ian, Kerstyn's boyfriend.

Mike: Yes?
Ian: Er. Hi, is Kerstyn in?
Mike: Yes?

Silence.

Ian: Could you get her please?
Mike: Yes?

Silence. Mike goes inside to get Kerstyn but meets her half way.

Mike: That old dog is nosing around again.

2009-01-12T11:26:00.000-08:00

Mike: Don't come the raw prawn with me sunshine, or i'll show you what you can do with the rough end of a pineapple.

2009-01-10T04:24:00.001-08:00

Isamaya has just come home and her parents are out.
She is trying to get into her parents bedroom to borrow her mums belt.
The door is locked so she rings Mike

Mike: Yes?
Isamaya: Hi dad, i'm just at home and cant get into your room
Mike: Yes?
Isamaya: Could you let me know where the keys are please?
Mike: Oh Isamaya!
Isamaya: Please dad.. I need a belt.
Mike: This is becoming extremely irritating.
Isamaya: Yes.
Mike: They're in the same place as before.
Isamaya: What? under the stairs?
Mike: Keep your voice down!
Isamaya: Dad, theres no one here?
Mike: Practicing a bit of discretion never hurt anyone.
Isamaya: Thanks Dad

Mike Puts the phone down and Isamaya goes to the stairs to find the key.
She unlocks the bedroom door only to realise he has removed the door handle.

2009-01-09T14:44:00.000-08:00

Joe and Isamaya are getting ready to go to a formal new years eve party at Pembroke college in Cambridge. It is -2oC outside and Joe doesn't have a jacket.

Isamaya: Dad, do we have a spare jacket that Joe can borrow tonight?
Mike: It depends.
Isamaya: It depends on what?
Mike: If he'll give it back.
Joe: I'll give it back Mike.
Mike: Very well.

Joe goes to the toilet and Mike goes to find a jacket.
Mike comes back with a filthy dark purple and green anorak.
He begins frantically pulling hundreds of plastic bags and receipts from the pockets.

Isamaya: How many plastic bags do you need?
Mike: Mind your own business.

Joe comes back into the room and tries on the jacket.

Isamaya: Dad! this jacket is filthy! It makes him look like tube driver.
Mike: I think it's rather flattering.
Isamaya: It's absolutely massive. It comes below his knees.

After much consideration Mike relents.

Mike: Ok. He can wear my Drizerbone.
Joe: Er.. Whats a Drizerbone.
Isamaya: Basically a waxed cape.
Joe: Cool.
Mike: It's on the back of the banister.

Joe goes to try it on the jacket.

Joe: Yeh. I'm basically Zoro but thats better than working on the Bakerloo line.

Isamaya and Joe set off to the party.

Joe: Er Isamaya..?
Isamaya: What?
Joe: Why are there hundreds of plastic bags tied in tight knotts in the pockets? and what are these? Hundreds of reciepts!
Isamaya: Oh jesus. He's probably sitting there anxiously at home now that he's realised he didn't get to the Drizerbone pockets in time.

When they get home Isamaya relays the story to Angela.

Isamaya: He's so stingey mum! why couldn't he have given Joe any of his other hundreds of jackets? Why did he give Joe his Drizerbone?
Angela: He didn't give Joe his Drizerbone.
Isamaya: Yes he did.
Angela: No. He gave him mine.

2009-01-04T12:19:00.001-08:00

Mike and Isamaya are sitting in the car in a traffic jam.
A woman in tight trousers walks past.

Isamaya: Dad!
Mike: What?
Isamaya: I saw that.
Mike: Saw what?
Isamaya: You perving on that woman's arse.
Mike: Don't be ridiculous.
Isamaya: I watched you check her out in the rear view mirror.
Mike: Oh Isamaya! I wasn't perving. I'm just interested in people. The fact she was wearing leggings is irrelevant.

2009-01-02T15:15:00.000-08:00

Mike: They're nice leggings Isamaya. Do they do them for men?

2009-01-02T15:05:00.000-08:00

Isamaya has just come home for the weekend and is standing in the kitchen making breakfast. Mike has just had a bowl of muesli and is unloading the dishwasher.

Mike: Oh Isamaya!
Isamaya: Yes?

Mike comes over holding the dishwasher filter. It has a small black stone in it and a piece of chicken skin.

Mike: I have told YOU so many times to rinse your plates before putting them in the dishwasher and look what i've found! An olive pip!
Isamaya: Dad, I haven't eaten any olives.. I've only just come home.
Mike: Well what about this chicken skin?
Isamaya: I'm vegetarian.

Mike: ANGE!
Angela: What Mike.
Mike: I've told YOU so many times to rinse the plates before putting them in the dishwasher and look! An olive pip!
Angela: Mike.. Thats a raisin.
Mike: Oh. Appologies all.

2008-12-19T02:39:00.000-08:00

Isamaya has come home for the christmas holidays and has left her keys in London.

Isamaya: Dad, can i borrow the spare key again please cos i've forgotten mine.
Mike: And which spare key would that be?
Isamaya: You know, the key you gave me last time i came home and the time before that?
Mike: I think your assuming things Isamaya.
Isamaya: Dad, you've got 3 spare keys for the front door?
Mike: I don't know of any 'spare key'. I only know of my personal keys.
Isamaya: Well... could i please use one of your 'personal keys'

2008-12-14T12:03:00.001-08:00

Isamaya walks into the dining room to find Mike on the computer looking at shower heads on amazon.

Isamaya: Look. Can i just say something without you interrupting me or butting in?
Mike: It depends what it is.
Isamaya: Well as i am aware, you are in control of what goes on in the kitchen. You do all the cooking and shopping and mum has had little say in the matter for the past two years.
I'm 99% sure that you will either ignore what i have to say as you are too proud, or, most likely will be dismissive of my opinions as you will just think i am 'interfering' so let me try and say this in as short amount of words as possible.
Mike: Yes what..?
Isamaya: Stop force feeding mum cos she's getting fat.

2008-12-12T04:49:00.000-08:00

Isamaya is in the shower. Mike suddenly runs in holding the telephone and rips open the shower curtain.

Isamaya: Dad!
Mike: Wiz, it's David from Bodywork dance studios on the phone
Isamaya: Yeh, and i'm in the shower. Get out!
Mike: Well what shall i tell him? can you talk now?
Isamaya: Obviously not! Go away.

Isamaya shoves the curtain shut

Mike: Hallo David, she's being awkward just now, can she call you back?

2008-12-12T04:46:00.000-08:00

Isamaya is on the phone to mike, he is installing software on her computer back at home.

Isamaya: So are there any adobe programmes like illustrator or photoshop?
Mike: No not yet but i've installed lots of other useful programmes for you.
Isamaya: Oh great, thanks. Like what?
Mike: I've just downloaded 'Teach yourself Morse Code'

2008-12-10T00:33:00.000-08:00

Isamaya and Joe are walking home. They are very good friends and Joe has a long term girlfriend. Joe is going to stay the night at Isamaya's house. Isamaya has just rung home to tell Mike and Angela that he is staying round and they can sleep top to tail.
When they arrive home there is havoc in Isamaya's bedroom. Angela and Mike are frantically trying to find pillows, duvets, sleeping bags and make up a bed on him on the floor.

Isamaya: What the hell is going on! Get out of my room!
Joe: Hi Mike, Hi Angela

(Angela smiles at Joe but Mike does not acknowledge his greeting)

Mike: Look, Uncle Tim's staying round tonight so Joe cant sleep on the sofa.
Isamaya: Er I know, and i said he was going to sleep at the other end of my bed on the phone.
Mike: Look just be helpful will you and get some more pillows.
Isamaya: Dad! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!
Mike: Isamaya. Stop it and stop getting in everyones way will you
Isamaya: Dad. WE can sort out sleeping arrangements, look at the mess in my room. What the hell have you been doing in here? Just get out.

(Angela storms out of the room shouting 'You're just being bloody rude to your father and I')
(Joe is sitting on the bed looking a little bit perplexed)

Joe:... I could just go home if its easier?
Isamaya: No! stay right there. For gods sake Dad- I cannot believe this. You have never EVER made a bed for Eloise, Ellie or Arijana?

(Mike continues to run around frantically throwing pillows and blankets together on the floor)

Isamaya: GET OUT. We can do this. I am not gong to HAVE SEX WITH JOE!
Mike: Who ever said anything about having sex?
Isamaya: Then why are you making another bed?
Mike: Because i'm a solicitous individual.
Isamaya: Then why didn't you even say 'Hello' to Joe
Mike: Hello Joe.

2008-12-10T00:26:00.000-08:00

Kerstyn has just spent the weekend in Cambridge. She is telling Isamaya about a conversation she had with Mike.
(Kerstyn is in the Kitchen trying to make Enego some lunch. Mike comes in to see what she is doing)
What are you doing?
Just trying to find something for Enego's lunch. Do you have any cheese?
Oh look, mind out, yes i'll look in the fridge...
Oh where is it...
Its over there, behind the gherkins.
No no, i'm looking for something else. Some garlic erm.. What are they called..?
Garlic bread?
No! No, oh where are they- i bet Isamaya's bloody well eaten them hasn't she.
What are you talking about? She's in London?
Oh where are they. Garlic whatdyoumacallits.
(Kerstyn stands back as Mike is becoming a little frantic)
Ah Ha! Here they are.
Garlic sausages?!
Dad, Isamaya hasn't eaten meat for 6 months.
Oh, yes but she always nibbles at everything and just has a little bit.
Of meat?

2008-12-09T09:39:00.000-08:00

Mike and Angela have gone to the Peak district and have left Isamaya at home. She has wet hair and needs a hairdryer but finds that her parents bedroom is locked.
She telephones mike.
Yes, what?
Hi dad. could you please tell me where the key to your bedroom is
Why?
Because i have soaking wet hair and need to use mums hairdryer
Look! this is unacceptable Isamaya. I like to be able to lock my house securely when I go away.
Dad but i'll be here..
No, you'll never find it. It's far to hard to explain.
Please dad, for goodness sake! all i want is the hairdryer.
In your room, under the piano is a fan heater for heating the room. Use that.
Are you actually being serious?
Yes.
Dad, i cant use a fan heater to dry my hair. Do you know how heavy that thing is?
Oh Isamaya... but you'll never find it. Its in a very awkward place.
Please Dad. Please.

Its underneath the carpet on the 3rd stair.

2008-12-09T09:32:00.000-08:00

Isamaya comes downstairs to be confronted by Mike who had been watching her make lunch earlier.
You don't know where the can of tuna has gone do you?
Er yes why?
Well it's disappeared. you wouldn't know its whereabouts would you?
I ate it earlier.
Yes. And you didn't replace it.
What?
You just take things without asking! How was i supposed to know we had run out of tuna. what if i wanted to use it to make tuna mayonaise? Just take take take isn't it.
Dad you watched me make lunch and i bought milk and eggs and bread yesterday. Are you joking?
No i am not! That is not the point. We have not yet run out of milk and eggs. I expect you to tell me when you eat something because then i can make a note of it.

Mike is on the computer looking at mobile phone reviews.

Dad?
What?
I've just had a slice of toast.
Oh.
And some Broccoli.
What?
And 3 tomatoes.
And 1/4 packet of lettuce.
And 2 brazil nuts.
And some balsamic vinegar
And 3 olives
And a potato.
And a piece of tobelerone.
And a yogurt.
And an apple.
Are you finished Isamaya.
No i also had milk in my tea.
Go away.

2008-12-08T12:15:00.001-08:00

Isamaya is in the kitchen looking for something to make for lunch.
Dad? Can i eat this frozen seafood selection in the freezer?
Well i was going to turn that into a stirfry.
What about these prawns?
Stirfry.
All three boxes of prawns?
Stirfry.

2008-12-08T12:14:00.000-08:00

The builder opens the Attic door and hundreds of empty milk bottles fall out and onto his head.
Mike: Oh bloody hell.
Builder: Jesus christ! What on earth is all rubbish!
Mike: 'this rubbish' is our thermal insulation.

2008-12-07T11:22:00.000-08:00

Mike and Angela come home from the supermarket with full bags of shopping.
Hi. Is there anything that i can eat for dinner?
Er yes... Theres this chicken here.
Dad. I'm VEGETARIAN.

2008-12-07T11:21:00.001-08:00

Isamaya's mobile phone starts to ring. It's Mike.
Hello?
Hi wiz. how far away are you
I'm at Queen Elisabeth bridge so about 10 minutes why?
You don't know whats happend to all the pork pies do you?
Dad. I'm a VEGETARIAN
Well i know but you haven't eaten them have you?
Isamaya hangs up.

2008-12-07T11:14:00.000-08:00

There is a huge crashing outside and Mike runs out to find Angela with an axe in her hand hacking at the boat in the garden

'What do you think you are doing!'
'I'm bloody sick of this piece of crap rotting away in our back garden.'
'Look just calm down Ange. Stop being silly.'

She continues to hack aggressively at the rotting wood

'Keep Back! I'm not finished. just bugger off will you.'
'Alright, alright.. Just keep the bearings though will you? I might build a boat.'

2008-12-07T10:50:00.000-08:00

Angela and Isamaya are sitting on the sofa watching TV and chatting about women. Mike is sitting on the opposite side of the room on his laptop. Dolly Parton comes on TV.

Isamaya: See, their the kind of tits dad likes. Massive ones like hers. Nigella Lawson types.
Mum: No. You'd be surprised, i think he prefers the flat chested type like Audrey Hepburn. You know, waifish and feminine.
Isamaya: Really?
Mum: Yes. I'm quite sure.
Mike: (without looking up from his computer) Actually I prefer the muscular type. German women are ideal