Isamaya is standing in the kitchen pouring some tea.
Mike runs in, a light sweat on his forehead.

Mike: You don't know where this has come from do you?
Isamaya: What is it?

Mike holds up a screw

Isamaya: No
Mike: No. Neither do I. I've been looking at it all day, there is something strange about it.
Aaahh.. Its got a reverse screw thread.

Isamaya and Mike are on the phone talking about finance. They have been talking for 20 minutes

Mike: .. So you need to make sure the ball's in your court. You need to find out if you are getting the deposit back and if someone can confirm this.
Isamaya: Yeh ok. Just to warn you, my phone is beeping from low battery, so it might cut out any second..
Mike: Isamaya! There's Always an excuse!
Isamaya: Sorry?
Mike: When we talk about finance.
Isamaya: Dad? my phones about to turn off, i'm just warning you.
Mike: No- There's always something
Isamaya: Well this time it's the battery.
Mike: This is a serious conversation Isamaya. We need to talk about this.
Isamaya: Well, we can't if my phone dies. I can't help it if it goes dead.
Mike: Isamaya! Always an explanation.
Isamaya: You are just wasting battery time with this argument.
Mike: I'm not ARGUING with you!
Isamaya: 3 seconds
Mike: Stop being ridiculous
Isamaya: 2 seconds
Mike: Oh for gods sake
Isamaya: 1 second.
Mike: Isa-

Beeeeeeeeeeep.

It's Isamaya's 9th birthday.
She has just opened some presents from her mum. A pair of pyjamas, a Jacqueline Wilson book and a new hairbrush.
She walks into the living room to find Mike desperately scrabbling around.

Mike: Get out! I'm wrapping your present.

Isamaya walks back into the kitchen.
Mike comes in beaming and hands her a box.
He nods knowingly.

Mike: Just say 'thank you dad'

Isamaya opens the present. It's a digital multimeter.

Mike: Do you fancy taking Rhoda for a walk?
Isamaya: Yeh, sure. Where?
Mike: Round the park?
Isamaya: Which park?
Mike: The park at the end of the road.
Isamaya: You mean the cemetery?
Mike: Yes. The body park.

Mike: Don't assume.
It makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'

Isamaya, Angela and Mike are having dinner with some neighbours.
After much procrastination, they all sit down to eat.

Mike: Oh bugger. I didn't bring over the mustard.
Isabel: Don't worry Mike. We don't need the mustard.
Mike: Of course we do! We're eating sausage.
Isabel: I've got mustard- would you like some of that?
Mike: No? I spent ages making a fresh batch last night. It's really good stuff.
Isabel: Fresh mustard! wow. well you must get it then.

Mike goes across the road to fetch the mustard. When he comes back, he plunks it down on the table.

Isabel: Such a yellow colour. How did you make it? Did you buy the mustard seeds.
Mike: No it's Colemans mustard powder. You just add water.

Mike and Isamaya are walking the dog. Isamaya sees a 20p on the pavement and picks it up.
Mike: You don't want to start picking things up Isamaya, it's a bad habit.

5 minutes later Mike spots a glove clip and picks it up.
Mike: Aah brilliant. Just what i've been looking for.

Ellie has come round to go jogging with Isamaya. She knocks at the door and Mike answers. She is wearing short shorts.

Mike: (calls to Isamaya) Legs has arrived.

Mike and Isamaya are talking about the ski holiday they are about to embark on.

Isamaya: I'd really like to try cross country skiing this year.
Mike: You mean Langlauf.
Isamaya: Er. No I mean cross country skiing.
Mike: Yes but it's called Langlauf.
Isamaya: In what country.
Mike: In all countries.
Isamaya: Sooo... Whats downhill skiing called?
Mike: Skiing.
Isamaya: So why don't you call Cross country, Cross country?
Mike: I'm sorry, don't know what that word means.

Isamaya has come home and is looking through a load of junk in the front room. She comes across her old BMX stunt bike she got when she was 10.
She tries to wheel it outside when she is confronted by Mike.

Mike: What do you think you're doing?
Isamaya: Look what I found!
Mike: You didn't find it. I've been guarding it.
Isamaya: Oh right. thanks. Well, I'm going to sell it, i recon i could get at least a hundred for it.
Mike: No you're not.
Isamaya: What?
Mike: You cant just take other peoples property and pawn it.
Isamaya: Er.. But it's my bike?
Mike: Who gave it to you.
Isamaya: You as a birthday present,
Mike: Quite.

Isamaya thinks about this.

Isamaya: So... What are you going to do with it?
Mike: I might like to ride it.

Isamaya and Angela are having a cup of tea in town.
Isamaya rings Eloise.

Isamaya: Hi, how are you?
Eloise: Oh hi! I'm actually at your house right now.
Isamaya: Really? I'm just having a cup of tea with mum in town- we wondered if you wanted to join us cos we'll be here for around an hour and a half..
Eloise: Well, Mikes just given me a cup of tea and wants to show me some things on his computer so.. I think I'll just have this and then go home cos I've got lots of work to do.

Isamaya and Angela stay for another three hours in town before heading home. As they turn into Mill Road, Isamaya sees Eloise cycling towards them.

Isamaya: Hi? what are you doing here. Have you just had a piano lesson up the road?
Eloise: No. I've just come from yours.
Isamaya: I thought you were going home 3 hours ago?
Eloise: Well, Mike wanted to have a look at my mobile. And he was kind enough to give me a tutorial on how to use it.
Isamaya: But you've had your phone for over 6 months?
Eloise: I know but he wanted to give me a printout of its manual and go through the spec.

Eloise pulls out a bulky A4 envelope.

When Isamaya and Angela get home, Isamaya finds Mike on the computer.

Isamaya: SO... Did you have a nice chat with Eloise?
Mike: Yes. She wanted me to have a look at her phone.
Isamaya: I see. How long was she here for?
Mike: I don't know. 15, 20 minutes or so?

Isamaya is standing in the kitchen buttering some bread.

Isamaya: Mum, thank you so much for buying salted butter!
Angela: What do you mean? I always do.
Isamaya: Yeh, but Kerstyn buys unsalted and it's really irritating.
Angela: Oh?
Mike: Yes Ange. Kerstyn has the same hang ups about salt as Isamaya does about fat.

Isamaya receives an email from Mike.

27/08/2008
From: Mike
Subject: Some light reading for you.

/ .- .-.. .-.. / -.-. .... .- -. --. . / .... . .-. . / -- ..- -- / - --- / -... .. .-. -- .. -. --. .... .- -- / - --- -. .. --. .... - / .- -. -.. / -.- . .-. ... - / .- -. -.. / ... .--. .-. --- --. ... / .... . .-. . / - .... . / --- -. . / - .... .. -. --. / .. / -. . ...- . .-. / .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / ... --- .-. - . -.. / .-- .- ... / -. ..- -- -... . .-. ... / .. ...- . / --. --- - / .- / -- --- .-. ... . / .- ..- -.. .. --- / - .-. .- .. -. . .-. / ... --- -- . .-- .... . .-. . / .. .-.. .-.. / .... .- ...- . / .- / .-.. --- --- -.- / .-.. .- - . .-. / .- .-.. .-.. / -.-. .... .- -. --. . / .... . .-. . / -- ..- -- / - --- / -... .. .-. -- .. -. --. .... .- -- / - --- -. .. --. .... - / .- -. -.. / -.- . .-. ... - / .- -. -.. / ... .--. .-. --- --. ... / .... . .-. . / - .... . / --- -. . / - .... .. -. --. / .. / -. . ...- . .-. / .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / ... --- .-. - . -.. / .-- .- ... / -. ..- -- -... . .-. ... / .. ...- . / --. --- - / .- / -- --- .-. ... . / .- ..- -.. .. --- / - .-. .- .. -. . .-. / ... --- -- . .-- .... . .-. . / .. .-.. .-.. / .... .- ...- . / .- / .-.. --- --- -.- / .-.. .- - . .-. /

It is valentines day and Kerstyn has received a letter.
She takes it upstairs to open it.

Inside is a valentines card with a question mark and a pair of dice. On one dice, numbers are replaced by body parts such as neck, lips, back etc. On the other dice, numbers are replaced by actions such as lick, smell, kiss etc.
Where the dice reads 'sex' it has been crossed out and replaced by 'maths'.

Mike answers the door and it is Ian, Kerstyn's boyfriend.

Mike: Yes?
Ian: Er. Hi, is Kerstyn in?
Mike: Yes?

Silence.

Ian: Could you get her please?
Mike: Yes?

Silence. Mike goes inside to get Kerstyn but meets her half way.

Mike: That old dog is nosing around again.

Mike: Don't come the raw prawn with me sunshine, or i'll show you what you can do with the rough end of a pineapple.

Isamaya has just come home and her parents are out.
She is trying to get into her parents bedroom to borrow her mums belt.
The door is locked so she rings Mike

Mike: Yes?
Isamaya: Hi dad, i'm just at home and cant get into your room
Mike: Yes?
Isamaya: Could you let me know where the keys are please?
Mike: Oh Isamaya!
Isamaya: Please dad.. I need a belt.
Mike: This is becoming extremely irritating.
Isamaya: Yes.
Mike: They're in the same place as before.
Isamaya: What? under the stairs?
Mike: Keep your voice down!
Isamaya: Dad, theres no one here?
Mike: Practicing a bit of discretion never hurt anyone.
Isamaya: Thanks Dad

Mike Puts the phone down and Isamaya goes to the stairs to find the key.
She unlocks the bedroom door only to realise he has removed the door handle.

Joe and Isamaya are getting ready to go to a formal new years eve party at Pembroke college in Cambridge. It is -2oC outside and Joe doesn't have a jacket.

Isamaya: Dad, do we have a spare jacket that Joe can borrow tonight?
Mike: It depends.
Isamaya: It depends on what?
Mike: If he'll give it back.
Joe: I'll give it back Mike.
Mike: Very well.

Joe goes to the toilet and Mike goes to find a jacket.
Mike comes back with a filthy dark purple and green anorak.
He begins frantically pulling hundreds of plastic bags and receipts from the pockets.

Isamaya: How many plastic bags do you need?
Mike: Mind your own business.

Joe comes back into the room and tries on the jacket.

Isamaya: Dad! this jacket is filthy! It makes him look like tube driver.
Mike: I think it's rather flattering.
Isamaya: It's absolutely massive. It comes below his knees.

After much consideration Mike relents.

Mike: Ok. He can wear my Drizerbone.
Joe: Er.. Whats a Drizerbone.
Isamaya: Basically a waxed cape.
Joe: Cool.
Mike: It's on the back of the banister.

Joe goes to try it on the jacket.

Joe: Yeh. I'm basically Zoro but thats better than working on the Bakerloo line.

Isamaya and Joe set off to the party.

Joe: Er Isamaya..?
Isamaya: What?
Joe: Why are there hundreds of plastic bags tied in tight knotts in the pockets? and what are these? Hundreds of reciepts!
Isamaya: Oh jesus. He's probably sitting there anxiously at home now that he's realised he didn't get to the Drizerbone pockets in time.

When they get home Isamaya relays the story to Angela.

Isamaya: He's so stingey mum! why couldn't he have given Joe any of his other hundreds of jackets? Why did he give Joe his Drizerbone?
Angela: He didn't give Joe his Drizerbone.
Isamaya: Yes he did.
Angela: No. He gave him mine.

Mike and Isamaya are sitting in the car in a traffic jam.
A woman in tight trousers walks past.

Isamaya: Dad!
Mike: What?
Isamaya: I saw that.
Mike: Saw what?
Isamaya: You perving on that woman's arse.
Mike: Don't be ridiculous.
Isamaya: I watched you check her out in the rear view mirror.
Mike: Oh Isamaya! I wasn't perving. I'm just interested in people. The fact she was wearing leggings is irrelevant.

Mike: They're nice leggings Isamaya. Do they do them for men?

Isamaya has just come home for the weekend and is standing in the kitchen making breakfast. Mike has just had a bowl of muesli and is unloading the dishwasher.

Mike: Oh Isamaya!
Isamaya: Yes?

Mike comes over holding the dishwasher filter. It has a small black stone in it and a piece of chicken skin.

Mike: I have told YOU so many times to rinse your plates before putting them in the dishwasher and look what i've found! An olive pip!
Isamaya: Dad, I haven't eaten any olives.. I've only just come home.
Mike: Well what about this chicken skin?
Isamaya: I'm vegetarian.

Mike: ANGE!
Angela: What Mike.
Mike: I've told YOU so many times to rinse the plates before putting them in the dishwasher and look! An olive pip!
Angela: Mike.. Thats a raisin.
Mike: Oh. Appologies all.

Isamaya has come home for the christmas holidays and has left her keys in London.

Isamaya: Dad, can i borrow the spare key again please cos i've forgotten mine.
Mike: And which spare key would that be?
Isamaya: You know, the key you gave me last time i came home and the time before that?
Mike: I think your assuming things Isamaya.
Isamaya: Dad, you've got 3 spare keys for the front door?
Mike: I don't know of any 'spare key'. I only know of my personal keys.
Isamaya: Well... could i please use one of your 'personal keys'

Isamaya walks into the dining room to find Mike on the computer looking at shower heads on amazon.

Isamaya: Look. Can i just say something without you interrupting me or butting in?
Mike: It depends what it is.
Isamaya: Well as i am aware, you are in control of what goes on in the kitchen. You do all the cooking and shopping and mum has had little say in the matter for the past two years.
I'm 99% sure that you will either ignore what i have to say as you are too proud, or, most likely will be dismissive of my opinions as you will just think i am 'interfering' so let me try and say this in as short amount of words as possible.
Mike: Yes what..?
Isamaya: Stop force feeding mum cos she's getting fat.

Isamaya is in the shower. Mike suddenly runs in holding the telephone and rips open the shower curtain.

Isamaya: Dad!
Mike: Wiz, it's David from Bodywork dance studios on the phone
Isamaya: Yeh, and i'm in the shower. Get out!
Mike: Well what shall i tell him? can you talk now?
Isamaya: Obviously not! Go away.

Isamaya shoves the curtain shut

Mike: Hallo David, she's being awkward just now, can she call you back?

Isamaya is on the phone to mike, he is installing software on her computer back at home.

Isamaya: So are there any adobe programmes like illustrator or photoshop?
Mike: No not yet but i've installed lots of other useful programmes for you.
Isamaya: Oh great, thanks. Like what?
Mike: I've just downloaded 'Morse Code for Beginners'

Isamaya and Joe are walking home. They are very good friends and Joe has a long term girlfriend. Joe is going to stay the night at Isamaya's house. Isamaya has just rung home to tell Mike and Angela that he is staying round and they can sleep top to tail.
When they arrive home there is havoc in Isamaya's bedroom. Angela and Mike are frantically trying to find pillows, duvets, sleeping bags and make up a bed on him on the floor.

Isamaya: What the hell is going on! Get out of my room!
Joe: Hi Mike, Hi Angela

(Angela smiles at Joe but Mike does not acknowledge his greeting)

Mike: Look, Uncle Tim's staying round tonight so Joe cant sleep on the sofa.
Isamaya: Er I know, and i said he was going to sleep at the other end of my bed on the phone.
Mike: Look just be helpful will you and get some more pillows.
Isamaya: Dad! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!
Mike: Isamaya. Stop it and stop getting in everyones way will you
Isamaya: Dad. WE can sort out sleeping arrangements, look at the mess in my room. What the hell have you been doing in here? Just get out.

(Angela storms out of the room shouting 'You're just being bloody rude to your father and I')
(Joe is sitting on the bed looking a little bit perplexed)

Joe:... I could just go home if its easier?
Isamaya: No! stay right there. For gods sake Dad- I cannot believe this. You have never EVER made a bed for Eloise, Ellie or Arijana?

(Mike continues to run around frantically throwing pillows and blankets together on the floor)

Isamaya: GET OUT. We can do this. I am not gong to HAVE SEX WITH JOE!
Mike: Who ever said anything about having sex?
Isamaya: Then why are you making another bed?
Mike: Because i'm a solicitous individual.
Isamaya: Then why didn't you even say 'Hello' to Joe
Mike: Hello Joe.

Kerstyn has just spent the weekend in Cambridge. She is telling Isamaya about a conversation she had with Mike.
(Kerstyn is in the Kitchen trying to make Enego some lunch. Mike comes in to see what she is doing)
What are you doing?Just trying to find something for Enego's lunch. Do you have any cheese?
Oh look, mind out, yes i'll look in the fridge...
Oh where is it...Its over there, behind the gherkins.
No no, i'm looking for something else. Some garlic erm.. What are they called..?Garlic bread?
No! No, oh where are they- i bet Isamaya's bloody well eaten them hasn't she.What are you talking about? She's in London?
Oh where are they. Garlic whatdyoumacallits.(Kerstyn stands back as Mike is becoming a little frantic)
Ah Ha! Here they are.Garlic sausages?!
Dad, Isamaya is vegetarian hasn't eaten meat for over 6 months.
Oh, yes but she always nibbles at everything and just has a little bit.Of meat?

Mike and Angela have gone to the Peak district and have left Isamaya at home. She has wet hair and needs a hairdryer but finds that her parents bedroom is locked.
She telephones mike.
Yes, what?
Hi dad. could you please tell me where the key to your bedroom is
Why?
Because i have soaking wet hair and need to use mums hairdryer
Look! this is unacceptable Isamaya. I like to be able to lock my house securely when I go away.
Dad but i'll be here..
No, you'll never find it. It's far to hard to explain.
Please dad, for goodness sake! all i want is the hairdryer.
In your room, under the piano is a fan heater for heating the room. Use that.
Are you actually being serious?
Yes.
Dad, i cant use a fan heater to dry my hair. Do you know how heavy that thing is?
Oh Isamaya... but you'll never find it. Its in a very awkward place.
Please Dad. Please.


Its underneath the carpet on the 3rd stair.

Isamaya comes downstairs to be confronted by Mike who had been watching her make lunch earlier.
You don't know where the can of tuna has gone do you?
Er yes why?
Well it's disappeared. you wouldn't know its whereabouts would you?
I ate it earlier.
Yes. And you didn't replace it.
What?
You just take things without asking! How was i supposed to know we had run out of tuna. what if i wanted to use it to make tuna mayonaise? Just take take take isn't it.
Dad you watched me make lunch and i bought milk and eggs and bread yesterday. Are you joking?
No i am not! That is not the point. We have not yet run out of milk and eggs. I expect you to tell me when you eat something because then i can make a note of it.

Mike is on the computer looking at mobile phone reviews.

Dad?
What?
I've just had a slice of toast.
Oh.
And some Broccoli.
What?
And 3 tomatoes.
And 1/4 packet of lettuce.
And 2 brazil nuts.
And some balsamic vinegar
And 3 olives
And a potato.
And a piece of tobelerone.
And a yogurt.
And an apple.
Are you finished Isamaya.
No i also had milk in my tea.
Go away.

Isamaya is in the kitchen looking for something to make for lunch.
Dad? Can i eat this frozen seafood selection in the freezer?
Well i was going to turn that into a stirfry.
What about these prawns?
Stirfry.
All three boxes of prawns?
Stirfry.

Next door, the neighbours are having a loft conversion. A surveyor knocks on the door and asks if he can asses the attic to make sure it is safe.
With much argument and reluctance, Mike eventually lets the surveyor in. 


The builder opens the Attic door and hundreds of empty milk bottles fall out and onto his head.
Mike: Oh bloody hell.
Builder: Jesus christ! What on earth is all rubbish!
Mike: 'this rubbish' is our thermal insulation.

Mike and Angela come home from the supermarket with full bags of shopping.
Hi. Is there anything that i can eat for dinner?
Er yes... Theres this chicken here.
Dad. I'm VEGETARIAN.

Isamaya's mobile phone starts to ring. It's Mike.
Hello?
Hi wiz. how far away are you
I'm at Queen Elisabeth bridge so about 10 minutes why?
You don't know whats happend to all the pork pies do you?
Dad. I'm a VEGETARIAN
Well i know but you haven't eaten them have you?
Isamaya hangs up.

There is a huge crashing outside and Mike runs out to find Angela with an axe in her hand hacking at the boat in the garden

'What do you think you are doing!'
'I'm bloody sick of this piece of crap rotting away in our back garden.'
'Look just calm down Ange. Stop being silly.'

She continues to hack aggressively at the rotting wood

'Keep Back! I'm not finished. just bugger off will you.'
'Alright, alright.. Just keep the bearings though will you? I might build a boat.'

Angela and Isamaya are sitting on the sofa watching TV and chatting about women. Mike is sitting on the opposite side of the room on his laptop. Dolly Parton comes on TV.

Isamaya: See, their the kind of tits dad likes. Massive ones like hers. Nigella Lawson types.
Mum: No. You'd be surprised, i think he prefers the flat chested type like Audrey Hepburn. You know, waifish and feminine.
Isamaya: Really?
Mum: Yes. I'm quite sure.
Mike: (without looking up from his computer) Actually I prefer the muscular type. German women are ideal