Isamaya and Mike are on the phone talking about finance. They have been talking for 20 minutes

Mike: .. So you need to make sure the ball's in your court. You need to find out if you are getting the deposit back and if someone can confirm this.
Isamaya: Yeh ok. Just to warn you, my phone is beeping from low battery, so it might cut out any second..
Mike: Isamaya! There's Always an excuse!
Isamaya: Sorry?
Mike: When we talk about finance.
Isamaya: Dad? my phones about to turn off, i'm just warning you.
Mike: No- There's always something
Isamaya: Well this time it's the battery.
Mike: This is a serious conversation Isamaya. We need to talk about this.
Isamaya: Well, we can't if my phone dies. I can't help it if it goes dead.
Mike: Isamaya! Always an explanation.
Isamaya: You are just wasting battery time with this argument.
Mike: I'm not ARGUING with you!
Isamaya: 3 seconds
Mike: Stop being ridiculous
Isamaya: 2 seconds
Mike: Oh for gods sake
Isamaya: 1 second.
Mike: Isa-

Beeeeeeeeeeep.

It's Isamaya's 9th birthday.
She has just opened some presents from her mum. A pair of pyjamas, a Jacqueline Wilson book and a new hairbrush.
She walks into the living room to find Mike desperately scrabbling around.

Mike: Get out! I'm wrapping your present.

Isamaya walks back into the kitchen.
Mike comes in beaming and hands her a box.
He nods knowingly.

Mike: Just say 'thank you dad'

Isamaya opens the present. It's a digital multimeter.

Mike: Do you fancy taking Rhoda for a walk?
Isamaya: Yeh, sure. Where?
Mike: Round the park?
Isamaya: Which park?
Mike: The park at the end of the road.
Isamaya: You mean the cemetery?
Mike: Yes. The body park.

Mike: Don't assume.
It makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'

Isamaya, Angela and Mike are having dinner with some neighbours.
After much procrastination, they all sit down to eat.

Mike: Oh bugger. I didn't bring over the mustard.
Isabel: Don't worry Mike. We don't need the mustard.
Mike: Of course we do! We're eating sausage.
Isabel: I've got mustard- would you like some of that?
Mike: No? I spent ages making a fresh batch last night. It's really good stuff.
Isabel: Fresh mustard! wow. well you must get it then.

Mike goes across the road to fetch the mustard. When he comes back, he plunks it down on the table.

Isabel: Such a yellow colour. How did you make it? Did you buy the mustard seeds.
Mike: No it's Colemans mustard powder. You just add water.

Mike and Isamaya are walking the dog. Isamaya sees a 20p on the pavement and picks it up.
Mike: You don't want to start picking things up Isamaya, it's a bad habit.

5 minutes later Mike spots a glove clip and picks it up.
Mike: Aah brilliant. Just what i've been looking for.

Ellie has come round to go jogging with Isamaya. She knocks at the door and Mike answers. She is wearing short shorts.

Mike: (calls to Isamaya) Legs has arrived.

Mike and Isamaya are talking about the ski holiday they are about to embark on.

Isamaya: I'd really like to try cross country skiing this year.
Mike: You mean Langlauf.
Isamaya: Er. No I mean cross country skiing.
Mike: Yes but it's called Langlauf.
Isamaya: In what country.
Mike: In all countries.
Isamaya: Sooo... Whats downhill skiing called?
Mike: Skiing.
Isamaya: So why don't you call Cross country, Cross country?
Mike: I'm sorry, don't know what that word means.

Isamaya has come home and is looking through a load of junk in the front room. She comes across her old BMX stunt bike she got when she was 10.
She tries to wheel it outside when she is confronted by Mike.

Mike: What do you think you're doing?
Isamaya: Look what I found!
Mike: You didn't find it. I've been guarding it.
Isamaya: Oh right. thanks. Well, I'm going to sell it, i recon i could get at least a hundred for it.
Mike: No you're not.
Isamaya: What?
Mike: You cant just take other peoples property and pawn it.
Isamaya: Er.. But it's my bike?
Mike: Who gave it to you.
Isamaya: You as a birthday present,
Mike: Quite.

Isamaya thinks about this.

Isamaya: So... What are you going to do with it?
Mike: I might like to ride it.

Isamaya and Angela are having a cup of tea in town.
Isamaya rings Eloise.

Isamaya: Hi, how are you?
Eloise: Oh hi! I'm actually at your house right now.
Isamaya: Really? I'm just having a cup of tea with mum in town- we wondered if you wanted to join us cos we'll be here for around an hour and a half..
Eloise: Well, Mikes just given me a cup of tea and wants to show me some things on his computer so.. I think I'll just have this and then go home cos I've got lots of work to do.

Isamaya and Angela stay for another three hours in town before heading home. As they turn into Mill Road, Isamaya sees Eloise cycling towards them.

Isamaya: Hi? what are you doing here. Have you just had a piano lesson up the road?
Eloise: No. I've just come from yours.
Isamaya: I thought you were going home 3 hours ago?
Eloise: Well, Mike wanted to have a look at my mobile. And he was kind enough to give me a tutorial on how to use it.
Isamaya: But you've had your phone for over 6 months?
Eloise: I know but he wanted to give me a printout of its manual and go through the spec.

Eloise pulls out a bulky A4 envelope.

When Isamaya and Angela get home, Isamaya finds Mike on the computer.

Isamaya: SO... Did you have a nice chat with Eloise?
Mike: Yes. She wanted me to have a look at her phone.
Isamaya: I see. How long was she here for?
Mike: I don't know. 15, 20 minutes or so?

Isamaya is standing in the kitchen buttering some bread.

Isamaya: Mum, thank you so much for buying salted butter!
Angela: What do you mean? I always do.
Isamaya: Yeh, but Kerstyn buys unsalted and it's really irritating.
Angela: Oh?
Mike: Yes Ange. Kerstyn has the same hang ups about salt as Isamaya does about fat.

Isamaya receives an email from Mike.

27/08/2008
From: Mike
Subject: Some light reading for you.

/ .- .-.. .-.. / -.-. .... .- -. --. . / .... . .-. . / -- ..- -- / - --- / -... .. .-. -- .. -. --. .... .- -- / - --- -. .. --. .... - / .- -. -.. / -.- . .-. ... - / .- -. -.. / ... .--. .-. --- --. ... / .... . .-. . / - .... . / --- -. . / - .... .. -. --. / .. / -. . ...- . .-. / .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / ... --- .-. - . -.. / .-- .- ... / -. ..- -- -... . .-. ... / .. ...- . / --. --- - / .- / -- --- .-. ... . / .- ..- -.. .. --- / - .-. .- .. -. . .-. / ... --- -- . .-- .... . .-. . / .. .-.. .-.. / .... .- ...- . / .- / .-.. --- --- -.- / .-.. .- - . .-. / .- .-.. .-.. / -.-. .... .- -. --. . / .... . .-. . / -- ..- -- / - --- / -... .. .-. -- .. -. --. .... .- -- / - --- -. .. --. .... - / .- -. -.. / -.- . .-. ... - / .- -. -.. / ... .--. .-. --- --. ... / .... . .-. . / - .... . / --- -. . / - .... .. -. --. / .. / -. . ...- . .-. / .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / ... --- .-. - . -.. / .-- .- ... / -. ..- -- -... . .-. ... / .. ...- . / --. --- - / .- / -- --- .-. ... . / .- ..- -.. .. --- / - .-. .- .. -. . .-. / ... --- -- . .-- .... . .-. . / .. .-.. .-.. / .... .- ...- . / .- / .-.. --- --- -.- / .-.. .- - . .-. /

It is valentines day and Kerstyn has received a letter.
She takes it upstairs to open it.

Inside is a valentines card with a question mark and a pair of dice. On one dice, numbers are replaced by body parts such as neck, lips, back etc. On the other dice, numbers are replaced by actions such as lick, smell, kiss etc.
Where the dice reads 'sex' it has been crossed out and replaced by 'maths'.

Mike answers the door and it is Ian, Kerstyn's boyfriend.

Mike: Yes?
Ian: Er. Hi, is Kerstyn in?
Mike: Yes?

Silence.

Ian: Could you get her please?
Mike: Yes?

Silence. Mike goes inside to get Kerstyn but meets her half way.

Mike: That old dog is nosing around again.

Mike: Don't come the raw prawn with me sunshine, or i'll show you what you can do with the rough end of a pineapple.

Isamaya has just come home and her parents are out.
She is trying to get into her parents bedroom to borrow her mums belt.
The door is locked so she rings Mike

Mike: Yes?
Isamaya: Hi dad, i'm just at home and cant get into your room
Mike: Yes?
Isamaya: Could you let me know where the keys are please?
Mike: Oh Isamaya!
Isamaya: Please dad.. I need a belt.
Mike: This is becoming extremely irritating.
Isamaya: Yes.
Mike: They're in the same place as before.
Isamaya: What? under the stairs?
Mike: Keep your voice down!
Isamaya: Dad, theres no one here?
Mike: Practicing a bit of discretion never hurt anyone.
Isamaya: Thanks Dad

Mike Puts the phone down and Isamaya goes to the stairs to find the key.
She unlocks the bedroom door only to realise he has removed the door handle.

Joe and Isamaya are getting ready to go to a formal new years eve party at Pembroke college in Cambridge. It is -2oC outside and Joe doesn't have a jacket.

Isamaya: Dad, do we have a spare jacket that Joe can borrow tonight?
Mike: It depends.
Isamaya: It depends on what?
Mike: If he'll give it back.
Joe: I'll give it back Mike.
Mike: Very well.

Joe goes to the toilet and Mike goes to find a jacket.
Mike comes back with a filthy dark purple and green anorak.
He begins frantically pulling hundreds of plastic bags and receipts from the pockets.

Isamaya: How many plastic bags do you need?
Mike: Mind your own business.

Joe comes back into the room and tries on the jacket.

Isamaya: Dad! this jacket is filthy! It makes him look like tube driver.
Mike: I think it's rather flattering.
Isamaya: It's absolutely massive. It comes below his knees.

After much consideration Mike relents.

Mike: Ok. He can wear my Drizerbone.
Joe: Er.. Whats a Drizerbone.
Isamaya: Basically a waxed cape.
Joe: Cool.
Mike: It's on the back of the banister.

Joe goes to try it on the jacket.

Joe: Yeh. I'm basically Zoro but thats better than working on the Bakerloo line.

Isamaya and Joe set off to the party.

Joe: Er Isamaya..?
Isamaya: What?
Joe: Why are there hundreds of plastic bags tied in tight knotts in the pockets? and what are these? Hundreds of reciepts!
Isamaya: Oh jesus. He's probably sitting there anxiously at home now that he's realised he didn't get to the Drizerbone pockets in time.

When they get home Isamaya relays the story to Angela.

Isamaya: He's so stingey mum! why couldn't he have given Joe any of his other hundreds of jackets? Why did he give Joe his Drizerbone?
Angela: He didn't give Joe his Drizerbone.
Isamaya: Yes he did.
Angela: No. He gave him mine.

Mike and Isamaya are sitting in the car in a traffic jam.
A woman in tight trousers walks past.

Isamaya: Dad!
Mike: What?
Isamaya: I saw that.
Mike: Saw what?
Isamaya: You perving on that woman's arse.
Mike: Don't be ridiculous.
Isamaya: I watched you check her out in the rear view mirror.
Mike: Oh Isamaya! I wasn't perving. I'm just interested in people. The fact she was wearing leggings is irrelevant.

Mike: They're nice leggings Isamaya. Do they do them for men?

Isamaya has just come home for the weekend and is standing in the kitchen making breakfast. Mike has just had a bowl of muesli and is unloading the dishwasher.

Mike: Oh Isamaya!
Isamaya: Yes?

Mike comes over holding the dishwasher filter. It has a small black stone in it and a piece of chicken skin.

Mike: I have told YOU so many times to rinse your plates before putting them in the dishwasher and look what i've found! An olive pip!
Isamaya: Dad, I haven't eaten any olives.. I've only just come home.
Mike: Well what about this chicken skin?
Isamaya: I'm vegetarian.

Mike: ANGE!
Angela: What Mike.
Mike: I've told YOU so many times to rinse the plates before putting them in the dishwasher and look! An olive pip!
Angela: Mike.. Thats a raisin.
Mike: Oh. Appologies all.